I particularly enjoy one thing. It is peculiar and very trivial. I grew very fond of walking about town in the evening, when the sun is still up but it’s well on its way down and everyone is off home to their families. Oh I know… not safe… what even in the context of safety these days anymore? I mean… I remember when I was younger, I was a kid for crying out loud, and I would just be running about up until 9 in the evening and it wasn’t anything strange, the social services weren’t involved, my mother would shout me in because she would have known I’d have been at an approachable distance. Back then I also lived in a huge city, 5 times bigger than where I exist now and where I currently live there’s subway so, by all means, big enough.

*

I put my headphones on. Brace my back. Look forward. Walk. Keep walking.

I like to think about all the people that influenced something inside me, made me who I am. There is this one person that isn’t quite out of my life but I don’t associate with him anymore. We had, well I guess still have, a very strange kind of relationship. We were never together. We’ve never done anything with one another.  But we so loved each other. I guess I still love him in a way - it’s strange.

Him and I… we had that love/hate thing. I think we hate each other now, not sure though, I could never be sure of him… but we aren’t speaking to each other, so I guess we hate each other now. We aren’t indifferent to one another, so it must be it.

We met in a doorway. We spoke and then we both realized that we could feel something we haven’t felt in a long time. We didn’t know what to do about what we felt because of the positions that we were in at the time. We were both committed to other people and the consequences would have been too great if we were to go with the feelings. Essentially, the satisfaction could not justify the pain we would cause, while at the same time, we would be in - we were both unsteady, uneasy and uneverything.

I wish I could at least say that he made me cry like no one else, but… he didn’t. He made me unable to cry. I always found myself sitting down; possibly on a bench somewhere in a park; possibly next to a pond; with my eyes open, blanked out; wanting to cry but being incapable of it. I’d sit there, get cold, go home, hate him a little more, so on and so forth. While at the same time he would go out, have a few and hate me a little too.

MsD.

Good afternoon.

I already wrote what I was going to write today yesterday but then I thought, maybe another time. Since I haven’t yet figured out what exactly I’m trying to achieve here I decided to rant about friendship today.

Right now, I’m hating my friends, apart from two but they live far away and they don'treally speak to me.  Maybe that’s why we love each other and don’t jump into each other’s throats. Well to be fairly honest with you, I don’t jump into my friends’ throats anyway –they jump into mine. As much as I try and be helpful, caring and full of love for them, they all treat me as a mare substitute. Well, they ‘appreciate’ what I offer to them but as soon as I need something –thin air, woo hoo we do not exist. How is that fair? They judge me on everything I do and tell me what to change about myself all the time – oh you care too much, stop caring; oh you’ve gained a bit of weight, stop eating so much; oh you’ve lost too much weight, eat something already – so on and so forth.  When everything is fine, everything is fine; just you wait till you need a shoulder.

Be good to your friends, especially those ones who forgive you and care about you. Imagine you tried hard to please everyone and they all took you for granted. Isn’t friendship meant to work both ways? See, if you’ve fallen out with someone – reach out to them. If they’re stubborn idiots, be better than them and speak to them first. Go on, it doesn’t hurt.., and your pride… well your pride will be alright after 10 minutes.

All I’m trying to say here is open your eyes and please don’t hate me for saying this. I’m just trying to be nice, always trying. I suppose that being nice doesn’t get you anywhere but I’ll talk about that some other time – I’ve already got an idea in my head on a full big moan about that.

And if you are the nice one who cares for everyone and only gets spit in the eye… stop for a bit and run away for a second. They will notice you’re missing soon enough, maybe even reach out to you, who knows – they might need toilet tissue or something.

Take care my dear new friend.

With love

MsD.

Pilot

I was thinking about starting a blog for quite some time. Actually, every time something bad happens to me I consider it. I think now it’s the time. Don’t worry- nobody died. And before you press the exit button- I am not a 14 year old rebellious kid. I’m all grown up, or at least I’m supposed to be. I’m not old, not so young anymore, young at heart. Or maybe not – not anymore.

For the purpose of this I am not going to reveal my name or face. Maybe one day – so many maybe’s. But that’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Everything we do these days is a maybe. I feel like maybe isn’t really a ‘maybe’ anymore and it’s a plain no. Agree? Maybe?

I would much rather call this a thought book and not so much a blog. Maybe even a book. That's possible, it might turn out to be a book. Argh… Introductions are tough. It’s all about the marketing and I’m terrible at it. I actually dated someone who studied marketing once. Dated – Ha -  Ha. 3 dates and then the object turned into another maybe. Not that I wasn’t interested… But forget about it... Garbage – and I’m not aiming to make this URL into a piece of garbage. I want to talk. I think I need to talk and I’m hoping you will enjoy my rant. Ah… I’m hoping it will inspire you… but we shall see.

I live in a big city. It’s a bit too small for me but that might be because I lived here since I was a kid and I know enough people to always bump into someone. And as much as I love bumping into people, sometimes I would like to disappear. It’s impossible.  I have this fantasy of being able to purchase a big loft in a city like New York one day. Imagine living in New York – it would be easier to bump into a celebrity than to someone you actually know - it would be a miracle. You would feel invisible. If you, my friend, live in New York, do you feel invisible?

Right now though, I wish I was on an empty field on a hot summer evening, when the sun is going down and you can only hear insects crawling in the grass and grasshoppers singing a wee song. You wouldn’t feel invisible. Oh no. You would feel exposed.

Anyway, to keep this brief, goodbye. Have a good night. Come back soon.

Best Regards

MsD.